Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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