Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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