I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
