I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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