she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm too high and old for this...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
