I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I did not marry a roomba.
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