its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
