She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
