that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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