Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
