filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
