I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
