You're earring is so big in my mouth
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
