Your face is a jimmy john
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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