I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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