hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
