don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
