the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
