Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
