bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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