just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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