im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
