She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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