Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
