I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
