i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
