my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
