guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
