i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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