I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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