I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
