There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
