Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
