someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
