Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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