I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
