So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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