it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
