it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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