apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
