Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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