Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
