I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
