forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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