Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
