i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
