My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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