Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
