I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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