just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You took a bar mat shot.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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