I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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