I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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