He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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